Genetic Engineering & Muscle Mice

by  HogWild

That’s all we need! We’re supposed to be building a better mousetrap. Not a better MOUSE! I hope you’re happy Johns Hopkins. You’ve just created Mighty Mouse! Except in the comics Mighty Mouse was good. He flew around saving people. He had his cape and his bim. He even pulled CATS out of car wrecks. He protected the innocent from NYC Police armed with Plungers. He would have saved Princess Diana. I remember once a meteor was headed straight to Cleveland and he could have just smashed the meteor with his fist, but instead he physically lifted Cleveland off the map and temporarily put it on top of Akron. What a hero!

Sure Danger Mouse was my favorite. His dashing English accent. His assistant Penfold. Danger Mouse . . . a POWERHOUSE! Anyway, Mickey Mouse is a gay little turdmonger compared to Mighty Mouse. But the truth is, MIGHTY MOUSE DOES NOT EXIST! No mouse in his right mouse-mind would expend his energy doing anything but eating cheese, gnawing on furniture, and eagerly spreading disease. If we build a Mouse with super Strength we are asking for Armageddon!

The mouse will sneak into our homes and instead of living inside the bathroom wall, he's gonna kick you out of your bedroom. Mr. Muscle Mouse will be sleeping with your wife and you’ll be on the couch. Mr. Mouse will be wearing your pajamas and slippers. You’ll protest sure. You’ll say, “Hey you, Muscle Mouse Man, would you um, please give me back my slippers. They were a gift.” His response: “HA!" Then he’ll flex his beefy biceps and rip your silk pj’s! And you don’t want to know what he did with his super-muscular (and veiny) Rodent Rump Shaker. AAAH!

On the right, normal mousey. On the left, Mark McGwire mouse hopped up on Andro. 

Your only recourse is to genetically engineer a super-feline. A cat to destroy this mouse. So you get on the Internet and buy a surplus super human Cat from the e-commerce section of the Johns Hopkins Lab website. Now you’ve got this cat who is about the size of a fully loaded VW Bug. So yeah, he exterminates this mouse. No problem. But now this cat just lounges around your home. He lives in your garage and eats like 300 cans of tuna a day. Nevermind the time he crashed the gates at Sea World and made a smorgasbord of the main aquarium.

So now you’re stuck with this fat cat who refuses to be spayed. When she goes into heat she howls like she’s Roseanne singing the National Anthem. So you do the only logical thing. You get Arnold Schwarzahuskie. He’s the size of a bus and the hot wax really irritates him when you take him to the car wash for his bath. On the good side he doesn’t get fleas caught in his coat. He get birds.

So this dog gets the job done, but he keeps uprooting trees and knocking over fire hydrants with his super strong streams of pee. The Georgia Police Department even contacted you to ask if they could use his high-powered urination to keep down unruly Civil Rights Protesters.

 This is not the answer people! No! You can’t just go around mutating genes when you feel like it. Soon they’ll use this on humans and create a super human army of big, strong men with bullet-proof buttocks. (ooh, I’m turning on my feminine side.)

I think we should come to an International consensus. We can have a global symposium to discuss the proper limitations on genetic engineering. And I think I know what the conclusion will be. Yes, our brothers in Israel and Iraq, Canada and Columbia, Japan and New Jersey can all agree on this. HogWild has found the solution! Genetic Engineering in humans will be 100% banned EXCEPT to create big boobies. From now on all bims will be equipped with large luscious love-bubbles. Big bouncy boobies are a birthright! Big breasts for all!