Review of Mission Impossible 2 with Tom Cruise

by  HogWild

A let down. There’s a lot to poke fun at (as you know if you’ve already seen my spoof Mission Implausible). Now, I love Tom Cruise. Without a doubt he’s my favorite actor. Loved him in Born on the 4^th of July, The Firm, Jerry McGuire, Magnolia. But um, I think dude studied for this movie by reviewing tapes of the old wrestler, Leaping Lanny Poffo. He’s like flipping around and stuff like a ballerina. John Woo is behind this film. He’s famous for his cheesy-ass slow motion effects. Actually, in this movie it worked. There were some cool sequences. But seeing little Tom Cruise trying to be Bruce Lee wasn’t pretty.

And like, they got all confused because they made it into a James Bond movie. I was expecting Cruise to ask for a girlie peach Wine Cooler, “Shaken not Stirred.” The special effects were good, but that’s not enough these days. C’mon, we’ve seen it all by this point. Realistic Dinosaurs, Huge Gorillas scaling the Empire State Building, Laser Shoot-outs in Space, and the human sound effects machine Michael Winslow from the Police Academy movies. So I don’t impress easily anymore. You need a good story. I think they made this movie without a script. Woo said, “Dudes, let’s make a kick-ass movie where we crash stuff and have a hottie bim run around without a bra.” Hey, that works for me. But um, I could have stayed home and watched music videos for that. 

How many times can they use the same corny mask-changing trick? It was like trick or treat! You shot the wrong nub! Ha! YAAAAAAAAWN. And the bad guy wasn’t even evil. He was a dork. He got played by a ho. Wow, he’s a bad ass. Just because he clipped off some nub’s pinky with a cigar cutter . . . now if it had been the guy’s jammy . . . now we’re talkin’! Then as he was performing the crude circumcision he could have had a cool line like, “Today you’re Jewish.” HA! Killer. But no. The only memorable line was, “This isn’t Mission Difficult. This is Mission Impossible.” No, watching this flick all the way through without angrily hurling your popcorn at the screen isn’t Mission Difficult, it’s Mission Impossible.

And good God, the Dove Scene. Holy cow that’s stupid. Tom Cruise emerges to get revenge and these slow motion white birds of purity flap by in the wind. PuhLEASE! It would’ve been funny if one of ‘em pooped in his long trailer trash hair. Then the bad guy could’ve said, “Look who’s DROPPINGS in.” Genius! I should be a Hollywood writer. I could’ve banged out that script in a day. Hey, it still would be twice as long as THEY worked on it. 

The best part of the movie was the motorcycle scene. That was sweet. Two men straddling their powerful humming machines. VRRRRRRROOOOM! Oh wait, I’m getting confused with that Adult Female on Female Film I saw, Mission Implantables. Okay I’m fibbing. The BREAST part was the bim. Hot diggity DAAAMN! Her nipples should be on the top of a pencil. She was fine. Her face was a little monkey-ish. But her body was GOT-DAMN-HAAAAAAMM!! Bootylicious Delicious and Perky Twirkies! She acts about as well as an underwear mannequin, but whatever. She and the motorcycles are the only reasons to throw down the Matinee Price. Not more than that though.

She's got Ho-Ho's in her Shirt

This movie would have been 300 times better if they showed the REAL out takes of Tom Cruise getting his ass kicked. Like, the movie WITHOUT the special effects. Cruise just gets his butt whooped left and right. Dwarves come on the set for no reason except to punch him in the gut. That would’ve been awesome. Old ladies slam their purses over his head. An elderly man lifts his walker in the sky and crashes it over Cruise, trapping him in it. Let me see THAT movie.

There’s your review. Hog’s Rating: Matinee.

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