HOGWILD!RANTS

Aging Strippers and Butt Implants

by  HogWild

Right out the news: An exotic dancer in New York City won 30 THOUSAND bacon bits for botched buttock surgery. She went to the plastic surgeon to get her ass fixed and he inserted breast implants into her bottom. This bim claims that she was in pain and was humiliated by having breasts on her butt. Mary Gale, 43, of North Miami, Fla., accused Dr. Elliot Jacobs of negligence and malpractice in the procedure.

"So the patient wants ASS implants? Okay, let's recycle those old hooter bags we've got in the back."

Now, hold up, wait a minute! I don’t see a problem here. Breasts on your butt? Total BONUS! But I guess sitting on them would be painful. And going take dump would be well, FREAKIN’ DISGUSTING! And there’d always be that question, “Are those hemorrhoids or nipples?” But the basic idea sounds kinda cool. Put it this way, I would date a bim with breasts below her waist. Well, actually I did once, but I REALLY needed that A and she wasn’t that bad for a woman with gray pubic hair. AWW! JEREMY! Stop making me get so graphic!

Hold on to your teeth Grandma!

Okay, let’s think about this sich-ee-a-shun though. First, she’s 43 and an exotic dancer? I thought there was some law that forced dancers to retire when they hit their 4^th decade. Don’t they send ‘em out to pasture or something? I KNOW there’s a glue factory with Busty Dusty’s name on it somewhere. I mean, God bless ‘em, but being a Professional Jiggler is a job for the youthful. Sports stars don’t last forever and neither do Rumpshakers. Like in Football, basketball, etc, the nubs over 40 become coaches or announcers. Yeah, like Sandy Silicone, when she turns 45 should do the play by play for the Skank and Swank Bar. “Here is Lisa Labia doing her patented Penis Fly Trap™ maneuver. Wow! Great Execution. Now she goes to the ‘Squeeze some bald guy’s head between her Massive Melons’ part of the routine.”

Old Strippers and Race Horses all go to the same Glue Factory. Aged silicone makes a great adhesive!

Yeah, it could be like watching figure skating on TV. The washed up ladies of the Greased Pole become commentators. “Her Bra-whipping technique could use a little work. Let’s replay it in slow motion. We can see how she struggles to rip it off as the cup stays stuck on her rubber nipples.” Now THAT’S an Olympic Sport I would watch! From all over the world they would compete. The ass-vibrating competition, bonus points for excellence in undulation. Oh! And there would be a “telestrator.” That thing where they chalk up the screen like John Madden. “We see a nice 175 degree leg split followed by a 360 ass twirl.”

But really, she’s an old Nag about to be retired. She should be HAPPY to have been made into a freak show. She should have went on FOX to show off her Talent. Like how she can lactate from her posterior. Ha! “My ass leaks milk, <sniff>.”

Her Mom was probably infuriated by the news. Damn, how embarrassing is that for Mom? Now the entire world not only knows that she raised her daughter to be a professional SLUT, but also that she has 2 boobies hanging off her backside. I bet Mom called her up IMMEDIATELY to yell. “Are you crazy! Drawing attention to yourself like that! Your Brains must be up your Ass! Oh wait, there’s no more room! It’s full with two 30 pound bags of silicone.” Parents can be harsh.

 

I remember MY parents’ reaction when I told them I wanted to be an exotic dancer. Total devastation. Mom was like, “Don’t those men have nice bodies?” Damn. Then they like started blaming each other for their “failure.” Mom was yelling at my Dad, “Maybe if you hadn’t done his Math homework for him, he could’ve gotten a REAL job!” Dad shot back, “Maybe if you didn’t nag him so much he wouldn’t be crying out for homo-erotic affection by dancing with big sweaty men!”

Woah, woah, WOAH! I’m no homo. I may occasionally be required to suck an ice cube out of another man’s G-String, but that doesn’t make me a Queerbo!

So that career path quickly ended and I became the semi-hilarious comedian you see today. And now that my parents see my web site, they’re like trying to get me back to my stripping idea. Mom’s like, “It’s good money.” Dad’s like, “Son, pride and self-esteem are very over-rated.” Thanks for abstaining on the vote of confidence guys.

But really, stripping and comedy are very similar. You’re naked on stage for both. With comedy it’s figurative of course. With stripping it’s an ugly, hairy figurative. In both you try to hide behind the microphone as you bust your best routine. In both you wear a silk thong. Okay, well maybe that’s just me. Whatever. I chose comedy because 1) my naked body looks like sloppy burrito and b) so I can keep working into my 90’s. Bob Hope had to make the same decision. Would you rather he be telling one-liners today, or pulling down his pants yelling, “Hot Biscuits for the Ladies!” Case clothed.