Searching for America's Most Musically Talented Drug Dealers: A New MTV Reality Show

Some of music's biggest stars are admitted drug dealers. 50 Cent, Jay-Z, and the late Notorious B.I.G. have all confessed to (and bragged about!) their crack-dealing pasts.

Always on the hunt for new talent, the major record labels are auditioning every drug dealer in America to find the newest stars.

MTV has graciously volunteered to interrupt its 24 hour coverage of a boring British family to bring us a new Reality Show:

"Searching for America's Most Musically Talented Drug Dealers"

1) ART NOTE: We are in an enormous dance club. Strobe lights blink. The crowd is youthful.

They dance with glow sticks. Many have piercings. Their pupils are dilated. Speakers are blasting an unrelenting bass beat.

Leaning against a wall is a man with a nappy goatee but no moustache. He is a white guy with long blonde dreadlocks.

The suits from the record label approach him.

He extends his hand, full of ecstasy pills.

The suits hold out a recording contract and point to the DJ Booth.

ECSTASY DEALER: "Why are you dudes interested in me, man?"

SUIT: "From your experience dealing, you already know the business. Customers are always trying to get it for free. Distributors screw you of your take. You can't trust anybody..."

ART NOTE: We are watching this on MTV so we see the logo on the bottom of the screen and the camera angle is weird.

Kurt Loder, the octogenarian MTV News reporter, can be seen in the background hitting on a very young girl.

2) ART NOTE: We are outside in a park. Users are shooting heroin into their arms.

There is a man standing, counting his money. He has a blue punk-rock Mohawk with a piercing through his nose.

The suits from the record label hand him a guitar wired to an amp. The heroin dealer looks at them strangely.

SUIT: "Sony/Columbia/Interscope/Road House/Joe Shmo Productions wants you to audition." (Pointing to strung out users) "We already know you have lots of hard-core fans."

ART NOTE: Looking closer, we see that two of the doped-up addicts are the washed up comedy team of Beavis and Butt-Head.

3) ART NOTE: We are on a dirt road in Tennessee. We see a man with a goatee and buck teeth selling bootleg cigarettes from the bed of his rusty Ford pick-up truck.

The suits hand him a cowboy hat, big wood guitar and a washboard.

SUIT: "Jimmy-Joe, you're just the kind of under-educated talent we need! You can really relate to the people!" (pointing to the contract) "Plus, we're fairly certain you don't know the definition of the word 'perpetuity.'"

ART NOTE: In MTV's style, there are too many things happening on the TV screen at once.

Scrolling across the bottom: "NEXT: MTV Cribs goes Country! Check out the Dixie Chicks dream trailer park! The cement blocks are made of gold!"

Inset is a black guy from NYC. He says, "I don't like no country music, man. But I got Faith in them Hills! Nah mean?!"

4) ART NOTE: We are in front of a bodega in the Bronx on a snowy winter's night. A rough-looking black girl in a black bubble jacket is selling marijuana.

The suits offer her a microphone and a sparkly cocktail dress.

SUIT: "This is the type of dedication we want from our artists!"

ART NOTE: Looking closer, we see Whitney Houston around the corner.

Whitney offers her Grammy for a gram. 

Scrolling across the bottom of the screen: "Tell your dad . . . MTV Spring Break is next!"

 5) ART NOTE: A 16 year old girl working the cash register at CVS is approached by the suits.

She had been ringing up Christina Aguilera's order.

Dear  Christina's Lawyers: I'm not claiming to know as a fact that she takes any kind of weight-loss medication or drugs. I'm just suspicious of any full-grown human who weighs less than my cell phone.

On the counter we see a box of Ephedrine.

The suits hand the 16 year old girl lip gloss and a thong.

Looking closer, we see a haggard-looking Sporty Spice doing inventory.

Next on line, behind Christina, is Carson Daly. He's holding his gut and looking sad. But in his cart is a huge box of cheese corn-dogs.

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6) ART NOTE: We are in a doctor's office. The doctor is 50 and holding blue pills. His patient is 75 with a disturbing protrusion from the bottom of his gown.

The suits hand the doctor a violin and sheet music.

SUIT (holding a violin bow): "Doctor, we know you're all about the Benjamins. The New York Philharmonic is looking for the next ingenious composer. What if I told you, you could make more money fiddling with THESE?"

ART NOTE: In the waiting room we see Johnny Knoxville from MTV's Jackass. He is holding a hammer. There is a hole cut in his shorts. A sling and cast protect his broken penis.

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